Jersey Shore Episode 1 Recap
“My bronzer is leaking off my face.”
Yep, they’re back.
The Jersey Shore returns for its second season and they’re in Miami this time, far away from the jowls of Chris Christie. Episode one was kind of an unnecessary reintroduction to these people/characters/idiots. They’re ignorant, I get it. Let’s get these people to Miami and see what kind of damage they can do to the local economy.
Here’s a recap of the most important events that happened in the epiosde:
- Angelina is back and everyone hates her. Hopefully MTV isn’t footing the bill for all the makeup she’s wearing. They’d be broke if they were because she seriously wears a lot of makeup. Did I mention she wears a ton of makeup because it’s astonishing how much makeup she puts on. Does she go into the MAC store and get two of everything?
- Sammie and Ronnie broke off their relationship for unknown reasons. They clearly have feelings for each other and won’t mention what happened after the first season ended. Hey, it’s tough not to fall in love with a guy who get plastered every night and dances like he’s having a seizure.
- Snookie doesn’t go tanning anymore because she can’t afford the 10% tax on tanning that Obama put in the health care bill. Wars have been started over less. She now sprays her face with bronzer to get that perfect dark leather tone. Excuse me while shutter in disgust.
- Paulie reveals that he and Angelina hooked up in LA and the next night Paulie moved on to another woman. She’s now hooked up with both the Situation and Paulie. She’s got 60 days to hook up with everyone else in the house or Jigsaw will remove her makeup, revealing her real face and turning everyone into stone.
- MTV tries to make it look like Sammie and Ronnie haven’t seen each other in forever while we know they’ve been booked in the same places for a year now. You’re not fooling me with that crap!
- Vinnie declares that he’s trying to hook-up with as many girls as possible. I’ve always liked him because he doesn’t have the dedication to the gym that the rest of the guys do, but manages to look smarter and have more fun. He can come over for dinner any time he wants.
- Angelina openly insults the girls’ in the cab on the way to the club and J-Woww nearly decks her. The boys’ cab is completely silent, showing us that men and women really are from different planets.
- Ronnie and Sammie get into a fight at the club. They proceed take the same cab (thank you Mr. Producer) and Ronnie calls her the “c word.” This is probably the highlight of the episode because Ronnie is stone drunk to the point that it looks like there’s no life behind his eyes. Zombie drunk, woman-hating Ronnie is better than monogamous Ronnie from last year.
- Situation points out the difference between landmines and grenades. Landmines are skinny ugly chicks while grenades are fat ugly chicks. Get it?
- Ronnie proceeds to hook up with both a landmine and a grenade, culminating in a triple-kiss to end the episode.
I know some people didn’t like the episode and thought it was contrived, but are you really going to criticize a reality show for not being real enough? Really? Yes, this season seems to be more staged than last season. However, what we’ve learned is that MTV really can’t handle these people when they get hammered. I assure you that they’ll be drunk 90% of the time and that’s all I need, baby.
Question of the week:
What was your favorite part of episode one and why?
